A few things:
- It's my first script, so I'm probably not observing all the rules of proper screenwriting -- i.e. the action prose is probably a little wordy, there are probably too many parenthetical digressions, I probably use the word "then" too much. I welcome comments on presentation, but since I don't intend to submit the script to anybody, I'm not too worried about stuff that doesn't relate to story or dialog. This is just a working document to help me build the storyboards.
- There are probably major plot/logic holes. THESE I need pointed out.
- I'd be especially grateful for help with dialog. Anything clunky/unnatural.
- There are some brutal chunks of exposition. I'm still working on trimming these down. Still, you may whine about them.
If you're still interested after all that, contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'll send you a link to a Google doc.